I Apologize

No matter how good and positive you are, no one is immune from feeling those muting emotions called ‘numb’ and ‘lonely.’ I certainly have been feeling some sort of way lately. And while I have not exactly been unhappy I have not been in the best of places.

There are times in life, especially during phases of #healing, that you begin to lose yourself. Perhaps in a moment in time to things that have already passed but you lose yourself. You lose sight of what is in front or even around you. You forget that things are better and that, for you, they will improve.

In these times, I sulk in my sorrow. Things have been a certain way for me for an extended period of time. It is always at this time of year that I am reminded that I am what I perceive as unwanted and alone. I analyse my thoughts and emotions and realize that part of this is being ungrateful and even jealous. I browse pictures on Pinterest and social media and think how many more pretty faces intertwined and lip-locked will I have to endure before it is my time to be happy?

How many more years will pass that I have no one and nothing? How many more instances will I be the last pick or self-proclaimed weakest link? Why is it that I am constantly perceived as ‘so strong’ that I don’t need anyone or anything when I, like any other human, have the innate yearning for love and acceptance. I can’t help but wonder.

How many days can I lock myself away in hopes that I will get better and that those… spaces will someday be filled?

The strange way I’ve been lately has left me without things to say to you all, my dear followers and readers. I hoped that it would pass but instead saw this as an opportunity to perhaps teach you all how to cope with such circumstances. When I feel the way that I feel I know that it is because I am healing from all the pain and hurt that I have endured. I enter these phases slowly and passionately do things that I love to get through them.

The thing about going through phases is that they get easier. And even though I’m sad today and sometimes I, like most other humans, have times where I feel inexplicably invisible and dead to the world, I use this emotion to create. I’ve been working with Jimmy (my guitar) for hours on end, drawing and writing. I’ve been cleaning and listening to music. I’ve been giving myself time and more than anything else I’ve been trying my hardest to be kind to myself.

It never pays to be mean and unforgiving to yourself. It’s both cruel and unusual and even embarrassing. Instead of getting frustrated try to guide that energy through a medium. Pastel art is one of my loves! Playing guitar is amazing (I mean I go for at least 2 hours a day) and God knows I love to write. This is what I have to do to heal as silly as it sounds to some people. If that means writing poetry all day that literally no one will ever read/see then so be it.

Healing is the one time that it is perfectly okay to be selfish. Do what you love and envelope yourself with amazing people who love and support you.

 

XOXOX

Kyanna Kitt

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