Stuck in the muck of rubber soles
Mashing fervor against the ground
Ramming incessantly deeper into my brain
Making promises that I can’t keep
I never do…
Tied down to something more
Realizing sown seeds of decades’ past
Hooking into whatever passes by
Hoping for something stronger
I can still smell the autumn leaves
Strong coffee brewing
Heavily sweetened, full, robust
Or merely a replication of myself…
In the depth of time’s progression
Always one and never together
Ours is a glorious esprit de corps
I crave him like sweet nectar
Whose beauty comes second to none
And at dawn, within his hand, I am whole again
If only he knew
Like the sun this too will rise and fall
And some day
Together, we’ll smile.
I want to begin again
I want to start life anew
Fresh breath nourishing my lungs again
I want to breathe again
I want to begin again
I want to love like I’d never been hurt again
Stand bold and alone again
I want to be again
I want to begin again
I want to live my dream
Silent prayers the only thing keeping me from hitting the ground
I want to dream again
I want to live.
For the longest time I beat myself up over what I would call my inability to keep friends. I would blame myself for friends not being there. Each and every time someone would cross me I would search for the reasons why I deserved to put last. I am on a journey to achieving balance and of all of the things that I am up against, holding myself accountable for the actions of others is one of my biggest faults.
I had a friend who I thought I had a really good relationship with this person would find all of the time in the world for guys but when it came to us hanging out and doing things that girlfriends do there was suddenly always a conflict of interest. Eventually we stopped talking and naturally I blamed myself for the relationship failing even though I reached out to the individual multiple times. I’ve never had ill feelings towards this person. There was never any animosity, jealousy or bitterness on my part. We were supposed to be best friends but when one half of a relationship up and leaves what can you do? How do you process that information?
Being positive isn’t about being perfect or transforming into this creature that has no emotional response to the world around us, in fact, that is what makes us human. Our responses and judgement take more than just affirmations and wishful thinking to tame. Learning to be positive is also taking hurtful situations and learning to turn them into something beneficial.
Maybe you’ve learned something about yourself that you can take away from the situation to use elevate you to higher places in life. Maybe you’ve learned to be a better communicator and to be assertive about your expectations. Maybe you’ve learned that you don’t do well in certain situations—perhaps you’ve even learned how to maneuver through those situations in a way that makes life easier. Letting bygones be gone is accepting that what has happened can’t be changed and while anticipating the future is helpful for a handful of people living in the present is best.
Every time holiday season rolls around people rush to pair up for the winter festivities only to break up just in time for Easter Sunday. We have to be honest with ourselves. Anyone who is plugged into media whether it be Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook or even the news is being bombarded with photos of couples getting engaged or posting up at holiday dinners or parties looking glam or kissing and hugging up on each other while we are sitting solo at home. Let’s get real, the couples kind of start to get to your head.
The problem with this ‘power couple’ issue and wanting so desperately to be in love is that most people don’t even know what love is or associate it with things that have less to do with love and more to do with superficial. Throwing on a tight dress, a bunch of makeup, getting a manicure and taking a picture with a man who has a lot of followers on Instagram is a publicity stunt. Using someone for the bedroom and being gone every other moment in their life isn’t love either. So stop and think about what you are really wishing for. The problem with social media is that it is easy to receive the image of two smiling people but difficult to decipher whether or not they are really happy when the cameras aren’t rolling.
Being yourself can take you far but is only so much of the equation. In the age of social media, you are only as good as the amount of likes and followers you have. You can be the sweetest, truest person on this planet and be single for the rest of your life because unfortunately you chose to be real and in a world of immature phonies you simple don’t belong. On the other hand, you simply can’t expect someone to love you when you don’t love yourself and even when you do folks will still try you so be prepared at all times.
I am a person who believes that all people should be loved and respected but through the years and even recently through interactions with different people of many different walks of life I am constantly shown that people ultimately care about self-gain rather than goodness. If they cannot step on your back, they don’t want to socialize with you.
In the amber sap of morning
I could taste love for the very first time…
Neither did it take nor did it ravage black fruit.
Entrapped in majesty’s stare…
The prospects of which previously deadened the brightest hopes…
Beneath kobicha strands, I felt.
©Kyanna Kitt 2016